“You sold me out to save yourself” — Slipknot

“You sold me out to save yourself…” – Slipknot

Truer words have never been spoken; it happens constantly, this innate need to spin the “truth” to suit ones needs of validation… to be the victim in any circumstance. Personally, I’ve never understood this; I’m transparent to the point of being “too open” with most people regardless of their significance in my life. But, I suppose this stems from living my formative years in a home where lying was a best practice to avoid severe repercussions. But I digress, that is not what this post is about… I learned my lesson with lying and vowed to not do it again, not for any one or any reason; just so that is clear. Recently, I was met with a hurtful set of circumstances with someone I had come to think of as a close friend; he became distant, and through the course of our short-lived friendship I sensed that he is an emotional and moody individual and I’m typically spot-on sensing people out; so I accepted that this was just part of who he is. With that in mind, when those moody and distant behaviors popped up I simply gave him space, he would eventually message me and ask if he had done something and I always explained that I found him distant and thought he needed space and always reassured him that I was there should he need anything.

Fast forward to this past month, he had broken up with someone who was terrible to him, and as always, I was supportive and allowed him to vent; always reassuring him that better days were to come and I would do my best to cheer him up throughout the day; essentially treating him how I would want to be treated. Keep in mind, he would do the same for me, allow me to vent my woes and offer advice and support; friendships, just like relationships, should be a two way street and I never felt our friendship was one-sided. He started to become distant again, you know the usual distant behavior of minimal responses to questions, going forever without responding to a message which was typically out of his character, etc. So, I gave him space and stopped messaging him, I figured like always he would come around once this spell was over and things would continue as they usually did. Well, I was wrong. I got a random message from him asking if he had done something, and as usual I assured him he hadn’t and explained I had gotten a distant vibe from him yet again so I let him be until he came around; nothing out of the ordinary. We caught up a bit, but he still felt distant. The following day, he sent me a message out of the blue asking if I wanted to grab lunch with him. At first, I accepted because it had been forever since we had really talked and I was wanting to see him and make sure he was alright, but I ended up having to cancel due to work related issues and asked if he would rather grab coffee since I couldn’t go far from the office. He canceled altogether, saying we’ll just raincheck to which I tried to get him not to, but ultimately it was what it was so I said sure another day and left it at that. Roughly 20 minutes or so goes by and I can’t message him, I had found something I knew he would find funny and was shocked to find I had been blocked. So, I text him and asked him what was up to which I received a vague and rather cold response and was asked to give him space. So, I said ok, I’m confused, but you won’t hear from me again. He responded with ‘Thanks’. This hurt…a lot… because I did value this person and their position in my life, and I had no idea what I could have possibly done for him to react that way to a simple raincheck; he hadn’t once expressed any of the alleged feelings that I found out about today (I’ll get to that in a moment). I find the next day he had unblocked me so I went ahead and blocked him, in my opinion you don’t get the opportunity to act that childish and immature yet be able to stalk someone’s social media afterwards. The following week I received a text, stating a place was hiring if I wanted to contact the owner, I didn’t respond. Why would I bother? Furthermore, why would I want to work with that person? Bear in mind, this person is about 10 years my senior, shouldn’t he be more mature than I am and, at the very least, be able to convey their thoughts and opinions in a mature and adult manner?

Fast forward to today, the whole reason for this blog-post that no one will likely read but ultimately makes me feel better to have the truth out in the universe. I was forwarded a Facebook post of his, it was about me although I was not named, giving his version of the “truth”. Apparently, he felt I used him as an emotional pack-mule, only speaking to him regarding my life’s issues, and over time I talked to him “less and less and usually only when things were bad in my life”;  1. that’s a bold-faced lie, and none of this was ever expressed to me, ever. 2. I always messaged him, whether it was a Harry Potter meme I knew he would like, or a simple Mernin! What hurt the most is, as the title states, he sold me out to save himself, to look like the victim to gain sympathy rather than being objective and owning up to his role in this circumstance. He said I blocked him, that he just needed space, all the while making it sound as though I was aware of his feelings of being “used”. As I mentioned already, all of that is a lie, he blocked me on all forms of social media without saying a word to me, without once expressing how he was made to feel (whether that was actually how he felt or not) and when he had a chance to express these feelings directly to me he didn’t. I’ll never understand it, why people feel the need to make themselves look better when the truth always, and I do mean always, comes out in the wash. He was right in the sense that I did talk to him about the bad things that were going on in my life, but that was because I had come to trust him and genuinely valued his opinion. Had I known that by valuing his opinion so much it would make him feel used I would have never done that…had he expressed to me that he was feeling that way I would have reassured him that was not ever the case and apologized and immediately stopped; I wasn’t given that chance, I was only given the consequences.

I guess in the end, I’ll never be prepared for the gut-wrenching feeling of finding out someone’s true nature. It always feels like a punch to the stomach; no matter who it is. I suppose what bothers me most right now is feeling betrayed and having people who do not know me comment on my character when they are getting a very biased and inaccurate view of the situation; when I did everything that I could to be there for him and be a voice of support.

Well, I hope that the sympathy he receives is worth it and gives him the validation he so desperately seeks from others rather than working to find that validation within, and I hope that he someday realizes this value of what he lost when he carelessly threw our friendship away. I guess I wasn’t clear enough when I explained to him that I keep my word, no matter what it is; whether that’s “I’ll always be there” or “You’ll never hear from me again”. He chose the latter when he was emotional, and I always meant the former when I said it. Maybe this person will eventually grow up, especially considering his age, but I’ve learned that at that age you are set in who you are, whether that’s shitty or not. I guess I should have taken his circumstances as a clue to his character, the constant complaints of to the tune of “it’s everyone else not me” as a indicator of who he really is. And in reality, this social media post of his shouldn’t even be a surprise considering the amount of attention seeking posts that he made while we were friends that would always have me and others asking if he was alright.

“The worst type of “bad person” is one whom genuinely believes they are good” – author unknown